Should I make excuses to my alcoholic husbands boss?

by John McMahon
(Exeter, UK)

One of the common questions about living with an alcoholic is - Should I make excuses to my alcoholic husband's boss? This is a real dilemma for many people. Its Monday morning he has been on the booze all weekend and is due at work five minutes ago. One look at him and you know the whole the story of the weekend, the bloodshot eyes, the shaking hands and the smell of stale alcohol that would poleaxe an ox at ten paces. It's not a pretty sight. He turns to you and says, again, could you phone the boss and tell him I won't be in that I have food poisoning. Not the most original excuse, but a fairly standard one. So what do you do? Do you phone or not phone?

If you look at the self-help pages and advice pages the answer is pretty clear. No you don?t phone and make excuses. You leave him to either stagger into work or make the phone call himself. So why would you do that, isn't he ill? Well yes he may be ill but it was not food poisoning, alcohol poisoning maybe. Also the standard advice would say that he needs to accept the consequences of his actions, otherwise he will never learn. They continue saying that if you do make the phone call then you are just 'enabling' him, therefore he won?t learn from this and he is more likely to repeat the behaviour. Therefore saying no is in fact helpful to him.

As a psychologist I find it difficult not to agree wholeheartedly with that logic. If someone does something and gets a good outcome they are likely to repeat it, however if they get a bad outcome they are less likely to repeat it. Therefore if there is a bad outcome, in this case a hangover, then he should be left to experience it and that will make it less likely to happen again. Perfectly logical, isn't it? Yes it is quite logical, in a simplistic kind of way.

The problem with that logic, and the advice, is that it only takes one negative consequence and one person into account, the drinker and his discomfort of having to make his own excuses. There are more people in this scenario than just the drinker; there is the partner and often the rest of the family to consider as well. A consequence of not making the phone call could be that he gets sacked. Then who is paying the consequences of his drinking? It is not just the drinker that would suffer the negative effects then. If he is the only, or the major, wage earner then the family's finances will be reduced and the whole family would suffer. So be careful and think carefully before you make the decision. It is advisable not to shield him from the negative consequences of his actions but it is not sensible to have your family or you suffer with him. It is wise to be practical and take others into account. If on the other hand you have your own income or the income of the drinker is unimportant to the family's finances then it is an easy decision. Don't phone the boss!

John McMahon has worked in the addiction field over 25 years as therapist, university lecturer and researcher and published widely http://bottled-up.memberlodge.com

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