self help article
by Robert Elias Najemy
Self Help article – Part 3 of a 5 part series on creating a Positive Life Outlook.
Some fear that if we accept ourselves as we are, that we will have no motive to improve ourselves.
There is a small possibility that self-acceptance might cause a
few people to loose interest in self-improvement. In most cases, however, it opens the door towards natural change and
Contrary to what many think, self-acceptance is usually a
prerequisite to moving beyond aspects of our selves which we
would like to leave behind.
It is as if that aspect which we want to change is another
person whom we are rejecting and asking to be different. They
will usually resist and become even more deeply entrenched in
the behaviours we would like to them to change.
The same seems to happen when we reject aspects of ourselves.
Those tendencies or “sub-personalities” tend to resist letting
go of their ways of functioning and behaving. Thus, we often
delay our freedom from such undesired habits or characteristics
when we reject them or ourselves for having them.
Say for example, we smoke or eat or drink too much. Or we might
tend towards aggressiveness, jealousy, anger, fear or other
unwanted emotions. We might prefer to be more assertive and
dynamic in achieving our goals.
Rather than reject ourselves for what we would like to change, a much more effective approach is to:
1. Accept that undesired aspect of ourselves as a natural evolutionary response to the various stresses, disappointments, difficulties, and challenges we have encountered until now in our lives. We have developed these habits and tendencies as an attempt to “protect” our selves from “dangers” or to “relax” from our tensions.
2. Learn to understand these aspects of our being. They are parts of us, which deserves our love and acceptance as it is. We need to understand what those parts of ourselves are actually seeking through those behaviour. They might be seeking security, affirmation, freedom or perhaps release of tension.
Our “aspects” or sub-personalities can search for security in
money, food, relationships, sex, smoking, coffee or even through conflict. We have been programmed to doubt our security and self-worth and to fear for our freedom and to seek them at times in strange and sometimes self-destructive ways.
Thus the second step is to understand these parts of ourselves
and realize how they feel and what they need.
3. The third step is to begin to re-educate these parts of ourselves and help them understand what is really in their
benefit and how they can achieve real security, self-worth,
freedom and fulfilment. This might take the form of a dialogue
with that aspect of ourselves in which we listen to its needs
and then explain how we perceive our lives and share our goals
and needs. We can write a dialogue between these two parts of
our being – the one who wants to keep on with its habits and the second which wants to move on to other ways of behaving.
They can each express to each other their:
This can also be done by setting up two chairs and creating a
verbal exchange in which we speak alternatively for each part of ourselves as we change positions sitting in each chair as we
change perspective and seek to feel and express that aspect of
4. The fourth step is to take the position of our higher wiser self and speak to both parts of ourselves. Both the part, which wants to the change and the one, which does not, are equally aspects of our being. They are like our children and they need to be accepted and loved as they are. They need to be helped to love harmoniously in the same body and mind.
5. In the end we need to understand that our true being is not limited to either of these aspects. We are something much greater.
This mutual inner acceptance and communication between these
conflicting aspects our being opens the door to a type of inner
cooperation which brings about a much more effective and lasting change than can ever be accomplished through self-rejection and conflict.
The same is obviously true about our need to change others. We
can get much better results if we accept and understand them and their needs and then express our needs in an atmosphere of
mutual understanding and respect.
As for the fear that we might relax too much and not move
forward if we accept ourselves, we would do well to remember
that all of nature seeks to evolve. Our inner being naturally
seeks to evolve. This is our basic inner need. We are all driven by an inner pressure towards perfection. How else can we know that we do not have perfect love or justice, unless we have an inner frame of reference.
We want to create health, harmony, peace and love in our lives
because these remind us of out true inner self. These are who
and what we are.
No matter how much we accept ourselves we will always want to
move towards that manifestation of our inner potential.
We need to externalise our inner beauty. Loving and accepting
ourselves is the first step towards that.
Robert Elias Najemy is the author of over 600 articles, 400
lecture cassettes on Human Harmony and 20 books, which have sold
over 100,000 copies.
He is the Founder and director of the Center for Harmonious
Living in Greece with 3700 members.
His book The Psychology of Happiness is available at
20 and http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/psychofhappiness.html.
You can download FREE articles and e-books from
http://www.HolisticHarmony.com where you can also receive
guidance on life issues.
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