Happiness self help resource 47 Confidence article

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How our personal reality is created,
self help confidence article
by Robert Elias Najemy

Self Help confidence and self esteem article:

This chapter is given in order to enable you to understand more clearly the basic premises behind our Holistic Harmony Life Coach approach.


I was sitting on a bench in the National Park in the centre of Athens, Greece while three children played nearby. They were playing “basketball”, trying to throw a ball into a garbage can. The older boy, about seven years old, had thrown the ball in four times, and his young girlfriend had thrown it in twice. His little sister, however, who looked to be about five years old, had not been able to make even a single basket. The game continued with great earnestness, with exciting joys and devastating disappointments. Every time they tossed the ball into the can, they immediately looked over to see if I had been watching. I became very emotionally involved without saying a word, but was rather worried about the attitude of the youngest girl, who still hadn’t managed to put the ball in. The score was now 6 to 5 to 0.

I noticed she was more concerned about the fact that she wasn’t getting the ball in the can and the disappointment involved, than she was in concentrating on the aim of her toss. She had come to believe that she couldn’t do it, and didn’t even take the time to seriously look at the basket she was shooting for. Instead, she was already prepared to show her disappointment, which usually consisted of jumping up and down two or three times with both feet, and banging herself on the head. Sometimes she spun around in a circle (which, by the way, was similar to the way her brother acted when he was successful, only his hands would be raised in the air in triumph).

The little girl was becoming more and more desperate, even resorting to kicking the ball away, so the others would have to chase after it. That made them angry and they retaliated by telling her how bad she was at the game. At other times, she would grab the ball and run away with it, making her brother chase after her and forcibly snatch the ball away from her.

I was practically in tears by now, although not one word had passed between us. I then closed my eyes and focussed my thoughts on the little girl, mentally communicating to her that she must concentrate and think positively. I continued doing this for about three minutes. Then I opened my eyes and kept this idea in my mind and my eyes on her. Her next try was another failure, but she didn’t seem quite so upset.

The very next time she did something completely different. She took the ball in her hands, and looked at it closely, and began to talk to it with conviction and authority, telling it that it MUST go into the basket and that if it didn’t, it would be punished. Then she looked lovingly at the ball and kissed it, turned toward the basket and threw it directly in.

I was so happy for her that I could hardly remain seated. I actually started to cry. The little girl continued with this more positive technique for the rest of the game, and the final score was 10 to 8 to 6. My little friend had 8.

Now, it is not difficult to understand the point. The little girl lacked confidence and concentration, and because of this, she set herself up for failure. When she failed, she became even more convinced of her inability, and set herself up physically and psychologically for each successive failure. She stopped making a serious effort. She simply went up to the line with failure in mind and threw the ball without trying.

Perhaps my concentration and prayers were picked up by her subconscious. Perhaps they weren’t. Then, for some reason, she changed her behaviour and employed more concentration and optimism. She told the ball what it had to do and she became very sure of herself. The ball went directly in, guided by her positive and convinced state of mind.

When the ball went into the can, the little girls opinion of herself completely changed; now she was a success. Her entire physical reality changed, and she made more baskets in the remaining time than the other two children combined.

Children can alter their reality relativity easily through a change of attitude and behaviour because of their less rigid belief system. For us adults, who have many more years of conditioning, such a change might take more time. But it can be done and more importantly, in many cases, it must be done, if we are to enjoy a life of happiness, success and growth.

Many of us set ourselves up for failure because of our habitual negative thinking and basic beliefs concerning our impotency. In the following pages, we will discuss the techniques by which we may recondition our thought processes and change our reality.


Most of us would like a happier, healthier, more harmonious reality. In order to improve our reality, we must understand the mechanisms of its creation. Most of us feel that “things simply happen in our lives” or that we just feel “this way” or “that way.” Few of us actually investigate how our reality is created.

We might say that our reality is constructed of two basic factors:

1. What is happening or has happened.

2. What we believe, and consequently how we feel about ourselves, in relationship to what has happened, is happening or will happen.

This belief system or programming, which creates our subjective perception of reality, is a result of our past experience.

A description of how elephants are trained will help us understand the relationship between our past, our beliefs and our reality.


Elephants born in captivity are restrained by a chain that attaches one leg to a metal spike driven into the ground. This prevents them from roaming. They become accustomed to the fact that, as long as the chain and spike are next to them, they are unable to move.

As they grow older, their minds become programmed. When they see the spike and chain, they “believe” and accept that they will not be able to move. They become so conditioned that when their owners place a small rope and wooden peg next to them, they make no efforts to step away from it, because they “believe” they are unable to.

In truth, their actual power as adults is so great that they could easily pull up a chain and spike of any size. Their programming or “belief,” however, allows this tiny rope and wooden peg to limit their movement.

We are all very much like these elephants. We allow the weaknesses, fears and rejection we experienced as children to program us into a life in which we lack power, peace, love and happiness. We become controlled by false childhood assumptions we have made about our ability, strength and self worth.

We can move away from these “pegs” of self-limitation, but we must chose to do so.

This is a very simple description of an extremely complicated and intricate process, which we will analyse in greater details throughout this book.


The first factor in the creation of our reality is called the stimulus. This is an event that we observe or perhaps even fanaticise or project.

1. Some external stimuli include events such as the following:
We receive love, admiration, attention, gifts, money or success at some effort, or we are rejected, falsely accused, suffer a loss of someone or something important to us, or experience failure at some endeavour.

2. We might also be affected by internal stimuli, such as thoughts about the past or future.

3. Our emotions or thoughts may become stimuli for other emotions, such as when we feel anger or self-rejection when we observe that we have allowed ourselves to become aggressive or fearful.

4. Other more subtle stimuli might be the state of our hormones, chemical balance or energy state. We have all experienced days when we were more emotionally vulnerable, perhaps due to low energy. This is especially but not exclusively so for women, because of hormonal changes.


As these stimuli pass into the mind, it evaluates them seeking to determine whether they are supportive of or endangering to our basic needs.

1. If our subconscious programming determines them to be supportive, we feel relaxed, happy and loving.

2. If we conclude that they are endangering, we experience fear as well as and a wide variety of other emotions, such as pain, disillusionment, bitterness, injustice, depression, jealousy, envy, anger, hate, etc.

Our emotional state constitutes the greater portion of our subjective personal reality. It is not so much what happens in our life that creates our reality but how we perceive and react to what happens or to what we imagine is happening or will happen.

This is the first basic premise of what we might call the “Psychology of Happiness” or the Psychology of Evolution or of Transformation. We create our own reality by the way we interpret and react to the events and other stimuli mentioned above. Many might think of situations in which this might seem false or difficult to perceive, however, deep examination of this concept will prove that it is true in all cases. Our belief system creates our reality.


If we want to be happy, we need to transcend our automatic, mechanical emotional reactions. We need to understand why we automatically react in certain ways, such as with fear or anger, and how we can begin to free ourselves from undesirable emotional responses. Otherwise we are not free. We are under the control of the programming of our childhood, our past, our lack of clarity, and our lack of awareness. We are “asleep” to our real personal nature, and the true nature of the reality surrounding us. This book is intended to serve as a “wake-up call”.

We are in a state of evolution from our animal nature through our human nature to our divine nature. In reality, our essential being is beyond this temporary body and mind. We are aspects of Divine Creation, and thus we embody love, knowledge and power. Mistaken conditioning has caused us to lose contact with this inner nature.


The story about the lion cub more graphically describes this process.
Once there was a great lioness who went hunting with her newborn cub. While chasing and attacking a flock of sheep, the she-lion made a wrong move, fell off a cliff and died.The cub was left without a mother and grew up in the midst of the sheep. As the years passed, the cub became a full-grown lion, but it was instinctually conditioned to behave as a sheep. It ate grass, made a bleating sound, and developed a fear of all other animals, just like the sheep.

One day, another lion attacked the flock, and in the chase, was shocked to see the ridiculous sight of a full grown lion running away with the sheep bleating “bah bah” in fear. He caught up to the sheepish lion, and asked, “What are you doing? Why are you acting in this ridiculous way? You a great, powerful lion acting like a lowly powerless sheep? What has come over you? You should be ashamed of yourself.”

The sheepish lion explained that he was a sheep, and that the flock had taught him to fear and bleat and run in horror from the powerful lions.

The adult lion took the sheepish lion down to the river and asked him to look at the reflection of his own face. He saw that he was like the lion and not like the sheep. The lion then woke up from his ignorance and discovered his previously ignored inner courage, strength and majesty. We are like the sheepish lion. The sheep represent our human nature, our personality, which moans, fears, complains and worries. The Lion is the spiritual aspect of our being, which is a source of great power, wisdom, creativity, goodness and love. Great spiritual teachers have appeared throughout history with the same message of our “LION NATURE”, the untapped spiritual power and greatness that dwells within us.


All our problems are simply the result of our mistaken identity. We have learned to suppress what is naturally good within us. We have learned to mistrust others and compete against them, rather than cooperate and share with them. We have learned to be neurotic and fearful of new persons and situations. We have lost the ability to be open and loving, as we were when we were children. We have been taught that we must fight for what we need even at the others¢ expense.

Such beliefs have been instilled into us, as a way of “being smart”, or “being successful.” Many of us who have followed this philosophy find ourselves isolated, secluded and lonely. We may have everything that society programmed our minds to believe was important, but do we have love, health, peace of mind, self-understanding, harmonious relationships or happiness? One natural disaster, such as an accident, fire, earthquake, war, or death of a loved one, can destroy our happiness instantaneously when it is based on external factors.


This in no way means we should not seek to create the reality we desire for ourselves, our loved ones and our community. It means we need to make our best effort towards a better life, but without attachment to the results of our endeavour.This requires a delicate balance. Some of us make very little effort to improve our selves or our lives, and thus we obtain limited results. Others try extremely hard, but are so greatly attached to the result that they experience anxiety, fear and stress.

Attachment to some particular source of happiness is often our main obstacle toward the happiness we seek. In this book, we shall learn to understand which attachments limit our happiness and how we can transform them into preferences.


You can view more information at:http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/introholisticcoach.asp

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