self help JOKES and comic relief for your Happiness today... - personal-enterprise-self-help-resources.com

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Some clean Jokes for self help fun!

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FreeSelfHelpBooks Get your free self help book of Humor here…
size=4> color=red> Just “right mouse button click” on the links below, then select “save target as” from the window that appears, to download the book to your desktop..

FreeSelfHelpBooks
“Have a Laugh on Us!” Volume 1 of our free jokes books to download with family friendly clean humour

FreeSelfHelpBooks
New Release! “Have a Laugh on Us!”Volume 2 of our free jokes books to download with family friendly clean humour

FreeSelfHelpBooks

“How to Please your IT Department!”This book has collected some of the best IT & Service Desk jokes along with general computer humour stories to keep all of infotech dyslexics laughing. Computer Idiots Humour

FreeSelfHelpBooks
“You Might be a Redneck if……” A collection of trailer trash jokes & real life pictures of redneck ways of life!
Redneck Jokes Book

FreeSelfHelpBooks “Cat Tails” Get my little collection of funny Cat’s tales, feline quotes, furry stories and fuzzy wisdoms
“Cat Tails”

What would our adorable dogs say to God if they could, and what is the most important question they have for him? To God from Dogs

FreeSelfHelpBooks “Hank as a Youth” a collection of true cat stories about some really hilarious cats written by their confused human, DR Banks
“Hank as a Youth”

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Life is all about asses

you’re either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
trying to get a piece of it,

… or behaving like one

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Irish joke

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about.

‘Was the other Indian crazy or what?’

The Indian replied ‘No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening.

If they get an answer back, it means there’s a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’

Immediately, there was the answer.

‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.

As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, ‘Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.

There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!’He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, ‘WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!’

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read……………

( You’ll like this )

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

All Puns Intended!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.’

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: ‘A beer please, and one for the road.’

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: ‘Does this taste funny to you ?’

7. ‘Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’ ‘That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.’ ‘Is it common ?’ ‘Well, It’s Not Unusual.’

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.’ ‘I don’t believe you,’ says Dolly. ‘It’s true; no bull!’ exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs !’ The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms !’

13. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam !’

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire inthe craft. It sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.

‘But why,’ they asked, as they moved off.

‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.’

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him ‘Juan.’

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, ‘They’re twins ! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.’

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good) …. A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

pun in ten did.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Cup of Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get-well gift and it was one ofmy favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I broughtDaddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups oftea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ My Mom waited, and sure enough,here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches himdrink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know… 🙂

‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water isthe toilet?’

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

REDNECK JOKES:

Did you hear about the Tennessee redneck who passed away and lefthis entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can’t touch it till she’s fourteen.

What’s the difference between a good ol’ boy and a redneck?
The good ol’ boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionallyinvolved.

What’s the most popular pickup line in Tennessee?
Nice tooth.

How do you know when you’re staying in Tennessee?
When you call the front desk and say “I’ve gotta leak in my sink”and the front desk says “go ahead”.

How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they raised the minimum drinking age inTennessee to 32?Seems that they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call reruns of Hee Haw in Tennessee?
A documentary.

What do they call them in Kentucky?
Life styles of the rich andfamous.

How many Tennessee rednecks does it take to eat a ‘possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.

Where was the toothbrush invented?
Tennessee. If it had been invented anywhere else it would havebeen called a teethbrush.

Did you hear about the $3,000,000.00 Tennessee state lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

Did you hear that the Governor’s mansion in Nashville burneddown?
Yep, pertinear took out the whole trailer park.

What’s the best thing to come out of Tennessee?
I-40

A Tennessee State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. Hesays to the driver, “Got any I.D.?”
The driver says, ” ’bout what”?

A new law recently passed in Tennessee: When a couple getsdivorced, they are still brother and sister.

What do you get when you have 32 Tennesseans in the same room?
A full set of teeth.

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator toldBubba that she would send someone out right away. “Where do youlive?” asked the operator. Bubba replied, “At the end ofEucalyptus Drive”
The operator asked “Can you spell that for me?”There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, “How ’bout I dragher over to Oak St. and you pick her up there?”

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Whaaaat..?

A father told his son, Little Johnny, now aged 10, that it wastime he talked to him about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know!” little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

“Oh Dad,” Johnny sobbed, “At age 6 I got the ‘There’s no Santa’speech.

At age 7 I got the ‘There’s no Easter bunny’ speech.

Then at age 8 you hit me with the ‘There’s no tooth fairy’speech!

If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’treally screw, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Best Memory?

Three guys are debating who has the best memory.

The first guy says,

“I can remember the first day of First Grade!”

The second guy says,

“I can remember my first day at Nursery School!”

Not to be outdone, the third guy says,

“Hell, that’s nothing. I can remember going to the Senior Promwith my Father, and coming home with my Mother!”

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

5 minute management course-6 Lessons (Some are a bit adult, sorry)

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’

‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.

‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129 It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’

‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk.

‘I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’

Puff! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep.

‘I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pine Coladas and the love of my life.’

Puff! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’

The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’

‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull.

‘They’re packed with nutrients.’

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

We all know those cute little computer symbols called “emoticons,” where:

🙂 …….. means a smile and

🙁 …. is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

🙂 🙁

Well, how about some “ASSICONS?”

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

( ! ) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that’s been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

Got a FAT ASS you would like a solution for?

http://www.thehealthsuccesssite.com/Your-health-online.html

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

“Doctor, I have an ear ache.”

2000 B.C.- “Here, eat this root.”

1000 B.C.- “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”

1850 A.D.- “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”

1940 A.D.- “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”

1985 A.D.- “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”

2000 A.D.- “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

“My boyfriend works for a driving school. One of the great perksis you get to take the car out on the weekends. I’m telling you,that’s one great party car. You can be doing lines of coke,smoking joints, be drunk out of your head, swerving all over theroad. No one ever says anything. Even the cops say, ‘Get a loadof the student driver’….”

– Joan Keiter

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Shameless Puns–Again!

I love this sort of word play and I hope they bring you as many chuckles as they gave me. Enjoy!

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He is all right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

* We’ll never run out of math teachers, because they always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The geologist discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* A backward poet writes inverse.

* With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

* When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

* A calendar’s days are numbered.

* A boiled egg is hard to beat.

* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

* A plateau is a high form of flattery.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Why My Lips Stayed Chapped on Mother’s Day

So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.

Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it.

So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

Last year on Mother’s Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up.

Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli.

He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack’s . . . rear end.

Eli looked right into my eyes and said “chapped.”

Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right, their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn’t seem to mind.

And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat’s behind with my stick of Chapstick ….. or the hundredth time… between my use of the same Chapstick.

And THAT is my favorite Mother’s Day moment ever – because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they’ve been using your chapstick on the cat’s butt.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

1. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

2. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Nude Woman in the Mirror

A woman, standing nude, looks into the bathroom mirror and says to her husband, “I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment.”

The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

He never heard the gunshot.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Q: What’s the best form of birth control after 50

A: Nudity.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

What do you haveif there are 100 rabbits standing in a row and then 99 rabbits take a step back?

A receding hare line.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Pasta Diet…

1) You walka pasta da bakery.

2) You walka pasta da candy store.

3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Mischevious Grandmas

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma’s yelled out saying, ‘We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.’

The old man said, ‘There ain’t no way you can guess it, you old fools..’One of the old Grandmas said, ‘Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age.’

Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him tojump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said,

‘You’re 84 years old!’

‘How in the world did you guess?’The old Grandmas snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled,

‘Because we were at your birthday party yesterday.’

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

WHERE WOULD YOU BE:

IF – YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?

IF – YOU HAD NO WORRIES?

IF – YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU?

IF – YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?

IF – YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?

IF – YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU,

WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?

.
.
.
.
.
SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
.
.
.
.
HELLOOooo……!
.
.
.
.

YOU’D BE IN THE WRONG HOUSE…!

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Woman’s Revenge

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. “So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.

“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.”

The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me and God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!”

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

SelfHelpJokes

Life’s Essential Riddles

These little absurdities are my favorite kind of humor, I hope they make you smile and brighten your day!

1. If you spin an oriental man in a circle does he become disoriented?

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor….

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

7. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it a hostage situation?

8. Is there another word for synonym?

9. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

10. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

11. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

12. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

13. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

14. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

15. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

16. Why do they put Braille on drive-through bank machines?

17. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

18. One nice thing about egotists: They don`t talk about other people.

19. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

20. How is it possible to have a civil war?

21. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

22. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

23. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

24. Whose idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “S” in it?

25. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

26. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

27. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

28. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Three chuckles

GOOD

In Richardson, Texas State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t getting any. Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read “SPEED TRAP AHEAD!” The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, “TIPS” and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through anautomated radar post in Plano, Texas. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST

A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball.” He replied, “Texas State Troopers don’t have balls.” There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he’d just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire enginetraveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a pink horse which is the same size as your car and youcannot overtake it.

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the pink horse and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speedas you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Scroll down for the answer !!!!

Answer:

Get off the children’s “Merry-Go-Round” ………. You’re DRUNK!

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Neighbourly Helper

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave him a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day, the man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained.

“Well, Doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor?”

“Yep, and no matter what we tried, we still couldn’t get the jar open.”

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

1. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

2. THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

3. THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you’re not really my type
Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing!

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Bunch of good one-liners

1. How many honest intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

Both of them.

2. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?

They don’t have time.

3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

Not one will stop to ask directions.

4. What do men and sperm have in common?

They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

5. How does a man show he is planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer.

6. What is the difference between men and government bonds?

The bonds eventually mature.

7. Why are blonde jokes so short?

So men can remember them.

8. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

We don’t know; it has never happened.

9. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?

They already have boyfriends.

10. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A widow.

11. Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.

Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

NEW Shameless Puns

I love this kind of word play and I hope they bring you as many chuckles as they gave me. Enjoy!

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He is all right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

* We’ll never run out of math teachers, because they always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The geologist discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog its memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* A backward poet writes inverse.

* With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

* When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

* A calendar’s days are numbered.

* A boiled egg is hard to beat.

* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

* A plateau is a high form of flattery

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

What if people treated cars like computers?

“IBM is developing a new computer that is as powerful as thehuman brain. The new computer will spend all its time playinggames and downloading Internet porn.”
– Conan O’Brien

What if people treated cars like computers?

General Motors doesn’t have a help line for people who don’t knowhow to drive, because people don’t treat cars like they docomputers. But, imagine if they did….

HelpLine: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
Customer: “I got in my car and closed the door and nothinghappened!”
HelpLine: “Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?”
Customer: “What’s an ignition?”
HelpLine: “It’s a starter motor that draws current from yourbattery and turns over the engine.”
Customer: “Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have toknow all these technical terms just to use my car?”

HelpLine: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
Customer: “My car ran fine for a week and now it won’t goanywhere!”
HelpLine: “Is the gas tank empty?”
Customer: “Huh? How do I know?”
HelpLine: “There’s a little gauge on the front panel with aneedle and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F’. Where is the needlepointing?”
Customer: “It’s pointing to ‘E’. What does that mean?”
HelpLine: “It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor andpurchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or paythe vendor to install it for you.”
Customer: “What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell methat I have to keep buying more components? I want a car thatcomes with everything built in!”

HelpLine: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
Customer: “Your cars suck!”
HelpLine: “What’s wrong?”
Customer: “It crashed, that’s what wrong!”
HelpLine: “What were you doing?”
Customer: “I wanted it to run faster, so I pushed the acceleratorpedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and thenit crashed and it won’t start now!”
HelpLine: “It’s your responsibility if you misuse the product.What do you expect us to do about it?”
Customer: “I want you to send me the latest version that doesn’tcrash any more!”

HelpLine: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
Customer: “Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your carbecause it has automatic transmission, cruise control, powersteering, power brakes, and power door locks.”
HelpLine: “Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?”
Customer: “How do I work it?”
HelpLine: “Do you know how to drive?”
Customer: “Do I know how to what?”
HelpLine: “Do you know how to drive?”
Customer: “I’m not a technical person. I just want to go placesin my car!”

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

Dogs don’t cry (unless they have to pee).

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs don’t expect you to call when you are running late.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs understand that farts are funny.

Dogs love red meat.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Anyone can get a good-looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.

Dogs don’t shop.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

A dog’s parents never visit.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don’t hate their bodies.

No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.

No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

It’s legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

Dogs don’t worry about germs.

Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you ever had.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.

Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.

Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

You never have to wait for a dog, they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot-rubs.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.

Dogs can’t talk. Dogs aren’t catty.

Dogs seldom outlive you.

HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE

Both look stupid in hats.

Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.

Both tend to have “hip” problems.

Neither understand football.

Both look good in a fur coat.

Both are good at pretending that they’re listening to every word you say.

Neither believe that silence is golden.

Both constantly want back rubs.

Neither can balance a check book.

You can never tell what either of them is thinking.

Both put too much value on kissing.

HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.

Women look good in sweaters.

Women leave the room to fart.

Though they only have two, women’s breasts are far more interesting.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Men’s Speech Patterns

1. “I can’t find it”
MEANS: It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I amcompletely clueless.

2. “That’s women’s work”
MEANS: It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.

3. “Will you marry me?”
MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out, I can’t find thewasher, and there’s no peanut butter left.

4. “It’s a guy thing.”
MEANS: There’s no rational thought pattern connected with it, andyou have no chance at all of making it logical.

5. “Can I help with dinner?”
MEANS: Why isn’t it already on the table?

6. “It would take too long to explain”
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.

7. “I’m getting more exercise lately”
MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.

8. “We’re going to be late.”
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.

9. “Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
MEANS: I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

10. “That’s interesting dear.”
MEANS: Are you still talking?

11. “Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.”
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.

12. “You expect too much from me.”
MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?

13. “It’s really a good movie.”
MEANS: It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women.

14. “You know how bad my memory is.”
MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F-Troop, theaddress of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicleidentification number of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgotyour birthday.

15. “I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.”
MEANS: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, andwas wearing a thong bikini.

16. “Oh, don’t fuss, I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.”
MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to deathbefore I admit I’m hurt.

17. “Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing.”
MEANS: What did you catch me at?

18. “She’s one of those rabid feminists.”
MEANS: She refused to make my coffee.

19. “I heard you.”
MEANS: I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope Ican fake it well enough, so that you don’t spend the next threedays yelling at me.

20. “You know I could never love anyone else.”
MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it couldbe worse.

21. “You really look terrific in that outfit.”
MEANS: Please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.

22. “I brought you a present.”
MEANS: It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game.

23. “I missed you.”
MEANS: I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, andwe’re out of toilet paper.

24. “I’m not lost, I know exactly where we are.”
MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.

25. “This relationship is getting too serious.”
MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my truck.

26. “I don’t need to read the instructions.”
MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printedhelp.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!

SEND THIS TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH…… AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT….

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Classic Police Jokes

A Bad Day

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say,…”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

———————————————————
Rabbit Test

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

———————————————————
Slow Cop

A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 year old son. She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her.

After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road, she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit. Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind.

She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.

As he did he said, “Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?” Her son piped up from the back seat, “I do… because you couldn’t catch the other cars!”

———————————————————
What Do You Really Mean?

A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign.
“May I see your driver’s license and registration please.”

“What’s the problem, officer?”

“You just ran that stop sign back there.”

“Oh come on, pal, there wasn’t a car within miles of me.”

“Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution.”

“You gotta be kidding me!”

“It’s no joke, sir.”

“Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution.”

“That’s beside the point, sir. You are supposed come to a complete stop, and you didn’t. Now if I may see your license and”

“You’ve got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What’s the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?”

“Sir, I’ll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately.”

“I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop.”

The policeman had enough. “Sir, I can do better than that.” He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.

“Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?

———————————————————
Speeding

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see… Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes, 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Oh my God!! And I bet the lying bastard also told you I was speeding!

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

CHILDREN AND THE CHURCH

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

“Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

“How do you know that?”

“Easy,” the little boy said.

“All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said,

4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?º°’°

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”

“That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”

“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”

?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord’s Prayer at a church service, “And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.”

?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.

“How do you know what to say?” he asked.

“Why, God tells me.”

“Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?”

?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?

A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leanedover to her mother and whispered,

“Mommy, if we give him the money NOW, will he let us go?”

?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?º

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!”

?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?º

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

“The Flight to Egypt ,” was his reply .

Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, “That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who’s the fourth person?”

“Oh, that’s Pontius – the pilot!”

? º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º

The Sunday School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”

“No sir,” little Johnny replies, I don’t have to. My mom is a good cook.”

?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, “I descend into hell!”

A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.

The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, “I descend into hell!” the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.

One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:

“Hallelujah! Hell is full!”

?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?

This is the best one.

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story.

From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.

Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”

“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”

“Oh,” she paused, “grandpa, did God make me too?”

“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he ?”

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Sleeping in Church

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at thelocal church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem, myhusband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s veryembarrassing. What should I do?”

“I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you.I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I willmotion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him agood poke in the leg.”

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticingthis, the preacher put his plan to work. “And who made theultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

“Jesus!”, Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with thehatpin.

“Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,” said the minister. Soon, Mr.Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. “Who isyour redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towardsMrs. Jones.

“God!” Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

“Right again,” said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did notnotice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a fewmotions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet herhusband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she borehim his 99th son?”

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, “You stick thatgoddamned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in halfand shove it up your ass!”

“Amen,” replied the congregation.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

SOUTHERNISMS:

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

She fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.

My cow died last night, so I don’t need your bull.

He’s as country as cornflakes

This is gooder’n grits.

If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

I’m ’bout as…….. Nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Busy as a moth in a mitten. Happy as a clam at high tide.

Advice for Northerners moving to the South: Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.

Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

If you DO run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.

Remember: Y’all is singular. All y’all is plural. All y’all’s is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”

Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.

The first Southern __expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “big ol’ ,” as in “big ol’ truck,” or “big ol’ boy.” “Fixin'” (as in “I’m fixin’ to go to the store”) is 2nd, and “Y’all” is 3rd.

As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” get out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.

If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you’re supposed to do.

(One last warning but probably the most important one to remember: Be advised that in the South, “He needed killin'” is a valid defense.)

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

How Not To Rob A Bank!

Here are some lessons leaned from the experiences of a number of would-be bank robbers.

Pick The Right Bank:You don’t want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.

* * *

Study Your History:Don’t try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They’re tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.

* * *

Speak To The Right Teller:One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

* * *

Don’t Sign Your Demand Note:Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh… on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber’s signature and account number.

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Don’t Advertise:A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.

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Go Easy On The Disguise:One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.

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Take Right Turns Only:Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security police money.

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Be Aware Of The Time:Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.

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Consider Another Line Of Work:Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.

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Be Strong:Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.

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Drinking, gambling, and golf

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, “If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?”

“No, I stopped drinking years ago,” the bum said.

“Will you use it to gamble?”

“I don’t gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive.”

“Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?”

“Are you NUTS! I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

The man said, “Well, I’m not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I’m going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The bum was astounded.

“Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.”

The man replied, “That’s OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who’s given up drinking, gambling, and golf.”

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“All I Really Need to Know About Life, I Learned from Noah’s Ark”

(1) Don’t miss the boat.

(2) Don’t forget we’re all in the same boat.

(3) Plan ahead–it wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.

(4) Stay fit–when you’re 600 years old someone might ask you to do something really big.

(5) Don’t listen to critics, just get on with what has to be done.

(6) For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.

(7) Two heads are better than one.

(8) Build your future on high ground.

(9) Speed isn’t always an advantage; after all, the snails were on the same ark as the cheetahs.

(10) When you’re stressed, float awhile.

(11) Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals built the Titanic.

(12) Remember that the woodpeckers inside are a larger threat than the storm outside.

(13) No matter what the storm, when God is with you, there’s a rainbow waiting.