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Some clean Jokes for self help fun!HOME PAGE | Self Help Blog | Free Self Help Books 1 | Latest Self Help Articles | Famous Quotes | Self Help Jokes | Newsletter | Jim Rohn Coaching | 12 Pillars of Success | Contact Us | Disclaimer | Link Directory | Self Help Content Guide Visit here often for new happiness self help tools to de-stress and lift your day. Share a Joke and brighten someone else's day too! Bookmark site! We regularly update the jokes below, so make sure you visit again.
What would our adorable dogs say to God if they could, and what is the most important question they have for him? To God from Dogs
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ REDNECK JOKES: Did you hear about the Tennessee redneck who passed away and left
his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? What's the most popular pickup line in Tennessee? How do you know when you're staying in Tennessee? How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married? Did you hear that they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? Seems that they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools. What do they call reruns of Hee Haw in Tennessee?
What do they call them in Kentucky? How many Tennessee rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum? Where was the toothbrush invented? Did you hear about the $3,000,000.00 Tennessee state lottery? Did you hear that the Governor's mansion in Nashville burned
down?
What's the best thing to come out of Tennessee? A Tennessee State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He
says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" A new law recently passed in Tennessee: When a couple gets divorced, they are still brother and sister. What do you get when you have 32 Tennesseans in the same room? Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told
Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you
live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of
Eucalyptus Drive"
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ Whaaaat..? A father told his son, Little Johnny, now aged 10, that it was time he talked to him about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh Dad," Johnny sobbed, "At age 6 I got the 'There's no Santa' speech. At age 7 I got the 'There's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really screw, I've got nothing left to live for!"
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ Best Memory?
Three guys are debating who has the best memory. The first guy says, "I can remember the first day of First Grade!" The second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!" Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the Senior Prom with my Father, and coming home with my Mother!"
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 5 minute management course-6 Lessons (Some are a bit adult, sorry)
Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129 It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pine Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5: A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson 6: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where: :) ........ means a smile and :( .... is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by
:-) :-(
Well, how about some "ASSICONS?" Here goes: (_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass ( ! ) a tight ass (_*_) a sore ass {_!_} a swishy ass (_o_) an ass that's been around (_x_) kiss my ass (_X_) leave my ass alone (_zzz_) a tired ass (_E=mc2_) a smart ass (_$_) Money coming out of his ass (_?_) Dumb Ass
Got a FAT ASS you would like a solution for?
http://www.thehealthsuccesssite.com/Your-health-online.html ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
"Doctor, I have an ear ache." 2000 B.C.- "Here, eat this root." 1000 B.C.- "That root is heathen, say this prayer." 1850 A.D.- "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion." 1940 A.D.- "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill." 1985 A.D.- "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic." 2000 A.D.- "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!" ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
"My boyfriend works for a driving school. One of the great perks is you get to take the car out on the weekends. I'm telling you, that's one great party car. You can be doing lines of coke, smoking joints, be drunk out of your head, swerving all over the road. No one ever says anything. Even the cops say, 'Get a load of the student driver'...." - Joan Keiter
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ I love this sort of word play and I hope they bring you as many chuckles as they gave me. Enjoy!
* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. * Police were called to a daycare, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. * Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He is all right now. * The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. * To write with a broken pencil is pointless. * When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate. * A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. * A thief fell in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal. * Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking. * We'll never run out of math teachers, because they always multiply. * When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A. * The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it. * The geologist discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground. * The dead batteries were given out free of charge. * If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory. * A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail. * A backward poet writes inverse. * With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. * When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. * A calendar's days are numbered. * A boiled egg is hard to beat. * He had a photographic memory which was never developed. * A plateau is a high form of flattery. ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Why My Lips Stayed Chapped on Mother's Day So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom. Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever - because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt. ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 2. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Nude Woman in the Mirror A woman, standing nude, looks into the bathroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." He never heard the gunshot.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50 A: Nudity. ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ What do you have if there are 100 rabbits standing in a row and then 99 rabbits take a step back? A receding hare line.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ Pasta Diet...
1) You walka pasta da bakery. 2) You walka pasta da candy store. 3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop. 4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ Mischevious Grandmas
Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.' The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools..' One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age.' Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, 'You're 84 years old!' 'How in the world did you guess?' The old Grandmas snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled, 'Because we were at your birthday party yesterday.' ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ WHERE WOULD YOU BE:
IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES? IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES? IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU? IF - YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN? IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS? IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU, WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES? ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Woman's Revenge A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me and God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!" ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Life's Essential Riddles These little absurdities are my favorite kind of humor, I hope they make you smile and brighten your day! 1. If you spin an oriental man in a circle does he become disoriented? 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.... 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 4. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 6. What if there were no hypothetical questions? 7. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it a hostage situation? 8. Is there another word for synonym? 9. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 10. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 11. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 12. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 13. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 14. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 15. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 16. Why do they put Braille on drive-through bank machines? 17. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 18. One nice thing about egotists: They don`t talk about other people. 19. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? 20. How is it possible to have a civil war? 21. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? 22. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? 23. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 24. Whose idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "S" in it? 25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 26. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 27. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 28. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God? ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Three chuckles GOOD In Richardson, Texas State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "SPEED TRAP AHEAD!" The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!) BETTER A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano, Texas. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs. BEST A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball." He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car. ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ Scenario:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a pink horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the pink horse and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Scroll down for the answer !!!!
.
.
.
Answer:
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round" .......... You're DRUNK!
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ Neighbourly Helper An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave him a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day, the man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained. "Well, Doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?" "Yep, and no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 1. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably 2. THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Specificity 3. THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Bunch of good one-liners
1. How many honest intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
2. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.
3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Not one will stop to ask directions.
4. What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
5. How does a man show he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
6. What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds eventually mature.
7. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
8. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened.
9. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? They already have boyfriends.
10. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
11. Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ NEW Shameless Puns
I love this kind of word play and I hope they bring you as many chuckles as they gave me. Enjoy! * I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. * Police were called to a daycare, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. * Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He is all right now. * The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. * To write with a broken pencil is pointless. * When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate. * A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. * A thief fell in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal. * Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking. * We'll never run out of math teachers, because they always multiply. * When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A. * The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it. * The geologist discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground. * The dead batteries were given out free of charge. * If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog its memory. * A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail. * A backward poet writes inverse. * With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. * When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. * A calendar's days are numbered. * A boiled egg is hard to beat. * He had a photographic memory which was never developed. * A plateau is a high form of flattery ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ What if people treated cars like computers? "IBM is developing a new computer that is as powerful as the
human brain. The new computer will spend all its time playing
games and downloading Internet porn." General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know
how to drive, because people don't treat cars like they do
computers. But, imagine if they did....
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
Dogs don't cry (unless they have to pee). Dogs love it when your friends come over. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo. Dogs think you sing great. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. Dogs are excited by rough play. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away. Dogs understand that farts are funny. Dogs love red meat. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair. Anyone can get a good-looking dog. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. Dogs don't shop. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long. Dogs never need to examine the relationship. A dog's parents never visit. Dogs love long car trips. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted. When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it. Dogs like beer. Dogs don't hate their bodies. No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album. No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood. Dogs never criticize. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. Dogs never expect gifts. It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house. Dogs don't worry about germs. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had. Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives. Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one. You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready to go 24 hours a day. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry. Dogs don't borrow your shirts. Dogs never want foot-rubs. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. Dogs can't talk. Dogs aren't catty. Dogs seldom outlive you.
HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE Both look stupid in hats. Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting. Both tend to have "hip" problems. Neither understand football. Both look good in a fur coat. Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say. Neither believe that silence is golden. Both constantly want back rubs. Neither can balance a check book. You can never tell what either of them is thinking. Both put too much value on kissing.
HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman. Women look good in sweaters. Women leave the room to fart. Though they only have two, women's breasts are far more interesting.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ Men's Speech Patterns
1. "I can't find it"
2. "That's women's work"
3. "Will you marry me?"
4. "It's a guy thing."
5. "Can I help with dinner?"
6. "It would take too long to explain"
7. "I'm getting more exercise lately"
8. "We're going to be late."
9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
10. "That's interesting dear."
11. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
12. "You expect too much from me."
13. "It's really a good movie."
14. "You know how bad my memory is."
15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
16. "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
17. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
18. "She's one of those rabid feminists."
19. "I heard you."
20. "You know I could never love anyone else."
21. "You really look terrific in that outfit."
22. "I brought you a present."
23. "I missed you." 24. "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are."
25. "This relationship is getting too serious."
26. "I don't need to read the instructions."
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ Oil Change instructions for Women:
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Classic Police Jokes
A Bad Day ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ CHILDREN AND THE CHURCH
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leanedover to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money NOW, will he let us go?"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply . Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"
? º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
This is the best one.
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ Sleeping in Church One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the congregation.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ SOUTHERNISMS: Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit. She fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs. My cow died last night, so I don't need your bull. He's as country as cornflakes This is gooder'n grits. If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it. I'm 'bout as........ Nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Busy as a moth in a mitten. Happy as a clam at high tide. Advice for Northerners moving to the South: Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows. If you DO run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself. Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?" Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either. The first Southern __expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol' ," as in "big ol' truck," or "big ol' boy." "Fixin'" (as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store") is 2nd, and "Y'all" is 3rd. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" get out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do. (One last warning but probably the most important one to remember: Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.)
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ How Not To Rob A Bank! Here are some lessons leaned from the experiences of a number of would-be bank robbers.
Pick The Right Bank: You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. * * * Study Your History: Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans. * * * Speak To The Right Teller: One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived. * * * Don't Sign Your Demand Note: Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number. * * * Don't Advertise: A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks. * * * Go Easy On The Disguise: One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print. * * * Take Right Turns Only: Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security police money. * * * Be Aware Of The Time: Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived. * * * Consider Another Line Of Work: Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. * * * Be Strong: Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ Drinking, gambling, and golf A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?" "No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said. "Will you use it to gamble?" "I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?" "Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!" The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad." The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ "All I Really Need to Know About Life, I Learned from Noah's Ark"
(1) Don't miss the boat.
(2) Don't forget we're all in the same boat.
(3) Plan ahead--it wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
(4) Stay fit--when you're 600 years old someone might ask you to do something really big.
(5) Don't listen to critics, just get on with what has to be done.
(6) For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
(7) Two heads are better than one.
(8) Build your future on high ground.
(9) Speed isn't always an advantage; after all, the snails were on the same ark as the cheetahs.
(10) When you're stressed, float awhile.
(11) Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals built the Titanic.
(12) Remember that the woodpeckers inside are a larger threat than the storm outside.
(13) No matter what the storm, when God is with you, there's a rainbow waiting.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ Men's Speech Patterns 1. "I can't find it"
2. "That's women's work"
3. "Will you marry me?"
4. "It's a guy thing."
5. "Can I help with dinner?"
6. "It would take too long to explain"
7. "I'm getting more exercise lately"
8. "We're going to be late."
9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
10. "That's interesting dear."
11. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
12. "You expect too much from me."
13. "It's really a good movie."
14. "You know how bad my memory is."
15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
16. "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
17. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
18. "She's one of those rabid feminists."
19. "I heard you."
20. "You know I could never love anyone else."
21. "You really look terrific in that outfit."
22. "I brought you a present."
23. "I missed you." 24. "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are."
25. "This relationship is getting too serious."
26. "I don't need to read the instructions."
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ How Smart Is Your Right Foot?
Darnit!!!! my foot is too smart for me.... see for yourself - how did you go..???? This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!! .oooO................ TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: In a London department store: In an office: In an office: Outside a second-hand shop: Notice in health food shop window: Spotted in a safari park: Seen during a conference: Notice e in a farmer's field: Message on a leaflet: On a repair shop door:
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Essential Vocabulary for Today's World BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake). WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ The Laws of Life Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. Law of the Workshop Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). Law of the Bath When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Law of the Theater At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Rugs/Carpets The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Location No matter where you go, there you are. Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Oliver's Law A closed mouth gathers no feet. Wilson's Law As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
As you slide down the banister of life .... 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People." 2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. 3. The difference between the Pope and your boss..the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. 4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. 5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. 7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. 8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. 9. My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can. 10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid." 11. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite." 12. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex. 13. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ Miss Crabtree, it was like this.... "It ain't my fault, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps NAKED!" ........... Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years, so she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, an I'm gonna git him!" "Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!" He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck the double barrel through the window of the chicken coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come sneakin' up behind Daddy. Then we all looked on plumb helpless as old Zeke stuck his cold nose in Daddy's crack! Miss Crabtree, ..... we been pluckin' & cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ The Bathtub test. (Try it see if you pass)
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE? ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ Brunettes & Redheads... Q. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch? Q. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette? Q. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure? Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes? Q. What's a brunette's mating call? Q. Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes? Q. Why is brunette considered an evil color? Q. What do brunettes miss most about a great party? Q. What do you call a good looking man with a brunette? Q. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair? Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette? How do you get a redhead's mood to change? If you love a Redhead, set her free ... What's safer: a redhead or a piranha? How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend? What do you call a Redhead with an attitude? What does a redhead, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you? How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer? Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy. A Married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles
per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks
across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know we've been married
for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ Pal Diet
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing in line at the check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs .
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Consequences of a child's Christening! After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ Guess What?
Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the rec room of the retirement
home with her fist clenched above her head. "The first person that can guess what's in my hand can have se.x
with me tonight," she announces to the room. An old man looks up from the pool table and says, "Umm, an
elephant." Bessie thinks about it for a second and says, "Close enough!" If Bill Gates had a penny for every time Windows crashed...
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ How to Feel Like a Computer Expert!
This ought to make us all feel better about our computer skills Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
A woman customer called the Canon help desk about a problem with her printer.
And last but not least... Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ Miracle Wine
A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped
for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells
alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty
wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good
Heavens! He's done it again!" ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ The Diferences between being in Prison to being at Work
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer. :-)
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ LAWYER JOKES
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to
lawyers? Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full
of lawyers hostage? Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest
stamps? How are an apple and a lawyer alike? How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future
lawyer? How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? How does an attorney sleep? How many lawyer jokes are there? How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could
only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? What are lawyers good for? What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? What do you call a lawyer gone bad? What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? What does a lawyer do after sex? What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
What causes arthritis?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a
subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was
stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of
his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a
few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt
for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be," the drunk muttered, returning to his
paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged
the man and apologised: "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean
to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does."
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ Charitable Lawyers A local United Way office realized that it had never
received a donation from the town's most successful
lawyer. The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied,
"First, did your research also show that my mother is
dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that
are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." "--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an
apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's
husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice
rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three
children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said
simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I
don't give any money to them, why should I give any to
you?" ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ How Government Works
(Or just about any large corporation these days) Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the
middle of a desert. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without
instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two
people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to
do time studies. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing
the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control
department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to
write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So
they created the following positions, a timekeeper, and a payroll
officer, then hired two people. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these
people?" So they created an administrative section and hired
three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative
Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for
one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall
cost." So they sacked the night watchman.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ "Denounce the Devil"
The Baptist pastor was preparing a man for his long
day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the preacher ordered, "Denounce
the devil! Let him know how little you think of his
evil!"
The pastor repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The preacher asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce
the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading,
I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!" Two Wrestlers
Two wrestlers... a Russian and an Aussie, were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. The Aussie nodded "OK" . . . As the match started, the Aussie and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Aussie and wrapping him up in the dreaded "pretzel" hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying into the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Aussie collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astoundedand when he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The Aussie wrestler answered "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could." "So that's how you finished him off ! " the trainer exclaimed. "Not really... You'd be amazed at how strong you get when you bite your own nuts!!!"
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ THE CARDIOLOGIST AND THE MOTOR MECHANIC
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic ... ''Try doing it with the engine running."
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ Coffee Comments
Cousin Ella is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"
..................
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter every where, then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and was pulling another male buffalo in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day." ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ In the world, one single rule applies to the men:
Do something she likes, and you get points. SIMPLE DUTIES |
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