Healing from Child Abuse - Strategies For Saying Goodbye to the Messages of Family Shame
by by Adam Appleson
If you lived through child abuse, you've no doubt experienced messages of family shame.
Do you remember hearing messages like the following?
Message #1: "Can't you see how much I'm sacrificing for you?"
Message #2: "You'll never amount to anything."
Message #3: "You need to ...." (be or do something your family approves of)
Maybe they were communicated in subtle ways rather than stated out loud. But the messages still got through loud and clear, and in the process, your confidence took a major hit.
Healing from abuse is never easy. It's true that children are the quickest of learners. Their minds are so flexible and open they pick up anything - including messages and beliefs that can hurt them.
So if you heard anything like the above, it's time to start letting them go. Here are a few tips to get you started.
Strategy #1: Grieve. Yell. Cry your eyes out.
Hit a couch cushion until you collapse from exhaustion.
It's time to discharge all the anger and sadness you've built up as a result of internalizing the messages of family shame.
Grieving enables you to process painful events and integrate them into your life so you can move on.
Strategy #2: Leave your guilt behind.
Messages such as "can't you see how much I've done for you" were designed to keep you feeling guilty and hence, more easily controlled.
If you had a parent who said that to you, know that it is the job of a loving parent to ensure their child's needs are met through whatever sacrifices are necessary.
You don't have to feel guilty because your parent couldn't handle the adult responsibilities of parenting and the stress that goes with it.
In fact, you may want to give yourself permission to feel anger at the injustice of it all.
Strategy #3: Draw a line in the sand with clear boundaries.
If you're in the midst of the healing process, you need to make your healing a top priority. If that means you have to put some much-needed distance between you and your abusive family, go ahead.
You don't need to do or be anything but yourself. Give yourself the space to heal. You deserve it.
Strategy #4: Consider getting professional support.
Healing from abuse is a serious issue and deserves serious attention. If you have good friends who are willing to lend a kind ear, that's a good start.
But if they can't understand everything you're going through because you have specific issues, don't be afraid to seek out a mental health professional.
A good therapist will help you learn to trust others, and more importantly, yourself.
Strategy #5: It's goal-setting time.
Change can't happen unless you empower yourself with goals backed up by action. Set some realistic goals for yourself.
Make a goal that says "I will walk 4 miles two days a week by March 30, XXXX." Then go out and get it done.
Setting goals and reaching them gives you a tremendous feeling of accomplishment.
Achieving something you set out to do helps you take your power back and override the messages of family shame that say you won't succeed at anything.
There's a certain amount of natural joy and fun that starts creeping into your life when you stop believing the messages of family shame.
It's truly amazing. Happiness isn't something you're shooting for; it's something that you are. It's a natural byproduct of your self improvement.
About the author:
Adam Appleson has been actively studying and applying self improvement strategies to achieve success and solid mental health for the past 11 years.
To see some more messages of family shame that you can let go of for your own sanity and happiness, read How the Carpe Diem Factor Helps You Let Go of Family Shame and Find Happiness.
You can also read more psychology and mental health articles at ZenTactics.com. Each article is written to help you understand the issues you face as an abuse survivor and how to experience personal growth and recovery.
